


Lacuna

by xuhei



Series: For When You Can't Sleep [3]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-19
Updated: 2018-10-19
Packaged: 2019-08-04 12:08:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16346456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xuhei/pseuds/xuhei
Summary: He experiences a lacuna on a daily basis.It’s one he pushed to the back of his mind in fear of what other people would think. Come on, he’s Kim Doyoung, he’s meant to be cold and unfeeling of emotions so deep they tear him apart inside.He doesn’t want to have Taeyong or Jaehyun catching onto his sleepless nights. Johnny doesn’t need to hear him crying in the bathroom at 4am. Jisung doesn’t deserve to see his hyung overcome with fear as he sits at the bottom of the shower unsure of how to go ahead with his life.He’s famous. He has the world at the tips of his fingers but still he sits on the road outside the dorm with a bottle in his hand hoping that his entire career would vanish so he could fill the lacuna in his heart. His lacuna. His mistake.





	Lacuna

**Author's Note:**

> tende is such a good song and it rlly makes me happy and sad also and thank you for gifting us so much nct ily

He experiences a lacuna on a daily basis.

It’s one he pushed to the back of his mind in fear of what other people would think. Come on, he’s Kim Doyoung, he’s meant to be cold and unfeeling of emotions so deep they tear him apart inside.

He doesn’t want to have Taeyong or Jaehyun catching onto his sleepless nights. Johnny doesn’t need to hear him crying in the bathroom at 4am. Jisung doesn’t deserve to see his hyung overcome with fear as he sits at the bottom of the shower unsure of how to go ahead with his life.

He’s famous. He has the world at the tips of his fingers but still he sits on the road outside the dorm with a bottle in his hand hoping that his entire career would vanish so he could fill the lacuna in his heart. His lacuna. His mistake.

+

Doyoung tells Taeyong he has to pick up a script for a TV Show so he can get off of practice. He knows the dance for ‘Boss’ already and he can’t deal with Lucas today - he loves the kid, he really does, but he’s tired. All 2 hours of the sleep he had last night were terrible.

So if Lucas is too loud, Doyoung will snap and none of the others deserve that. Truthfully Doyoung knows how to make himself better and that’s impossible right now, so he goes for the second best option.

“Excuse me,” he says to someone who he assumes is a janitor, their plain back clothing meaning that he stands out in the hallway completely. “I’m looking to speak to someone. Can you point me to the library?”

The man looks him over and glares slightly. “And who might you be?”

“Oh! My apologies! I’m Kim Doyoung. You might know me from NCT? SM Entertainment?”

“I know SM Entertainment,” the man replies. He looks to have a sour taste in his mouth from the mention. “You need to go to the library for what reason?”

Doyoung gives a wide smile, hoping his charm won’t fail him. “I have a fan-meeting-type-thing here today with a competition winner. We wanted to keep it low profile because they don’t know about it yet.”

He hums, accepting Doyoung’s words with a little convinving from the smile Doyoung gives. He must be curious as to where the managers and the cameras are, but Doyoung doesn’t care all too much. He walks on by when the janitor points down the corridor turns away, making his way to the library which he already knew the location of. 

He’s been here enough to find that stupid building. 

Stupid building which he knows you’re in. 

He’s not wrong either, because when he pushes open the large doors and scans over the room for faces he knows, he finds you straight away. You’re sitting in a chair near the back on a table with other people that Doyoung remembers vaguely. 

Now he’s not stupid enough to go over there and talk to you. He’s kind of mad that others are with you because it makes things even worse. One day he’ll have the courage to go back to you and actually speak but he’s okay with waiting at a table far away and just watching for now. 

+

“Someone called for you, Doyoung.”

The younger boy’s head whips round at Taeil’s statement, eyes wide and some lettuce still between his lips from where he was eating. “Really? Who?”

“Can you not talk with your mouthful please,” Taeil says, pushing Doyoung’s shoulder at the unpleasant sight. “It was a girl. Didn’t leave her name just asked if you were around. I said no because you don’t live here.”

Doyoung swallows his food basically whole, wide eyes meeting Taeil’s with a lovestruck vibe. “What would you tell her that for! What is she knew me?”

“Uh, no? She was probably a fan who somehow found our number and I’m not gonna risk leaking it. Jesus, Doyoung are you stupid?

Haechan laughs from across the room. “It makes sense if it was a fan hyung. They would pick Doyoung over you anyway.”

“Shut up,” Taeil sends a dirty look in Haechan’s direction before turning back to Doyoung. “Is this about (y/n)?”

Doyoung’s wide eyes give him away before anything else. He knows he’s mentioned your name to Taeil but he can’t remember the details he’s been into. “What about her?”

“It wasn’t her on the phone,” Taeil tells him. Doyoung tries to feign his disappointment but it doesn’t really work out. Taeil almost shows him some sympathy. “If it was her I would have given you the phone.”

Taeil’s statement runs over Doyoung’s mind for a while. Taeil must know more than Doyoung remembers and it worries him what he’s said to the elder when he’s been intoxicated or tired. 

He has a tendency to say things to people when he doesn’t mean to. 

+

Doyoung offers to go and buy coffee for the rest of NCT 127 who have been recording all day for ‘Touch Me’. He’s annoyed at Johnny for constantly whining about Jaehyun doing something to harass him and Taeil annoyed that everyone was mocking him for standing on a box. 

Again he’s had barely any sleep because he was looking through Instagram. You, your friends, whatever else. He really had to start trying to sleep on time. 

“So that’s… 9 in total?” The cashier asks, 

“Uh.. yeah.” Doyoung’s rather rushed disguise of a hat and face mask proving okay since no one has recognised him. It’s the reason he’s not listening to how many drinks he’s ordered and staring at a table to the left hand side. “How much?”

Doyoung, again, doesn’t catch the total and instead just passes over a card which he’s given anytime he needs to purchase things. His manager is a nice guy, as much as Doyoung doesn’t like him. 

He has a reason, you see. Reasons are great for ruining relationships and Doyoung knows that all too well. 

“Won’t be a second, Sir.” Doyoung looks back to the worker to take back a card he wishes he didn’t have really, stopping his staring just so he could make sure he didn’t lose that card which he needed to return. It’s only a second. 

Just one second and he’s got your eyes on him. 

Just one second and every memory of you is back in his head from almost 15 years. He remembers when you met. He remembers when you first kissed. He remembers when you broke up. 

But you don’t say a thing to him. 

You look back to the other girl who’s with you and smile like his existence is a total lie. You can’t see him, you don’t care about him. 

+

“You’ll be murdered,” Jaemin tells his elder who sits beside him. Doyoung only looks up with the sound of a strong word but isn’t paying much attention. “Like, he will actually kill you. How could you start dating someone?”

Do you subconsciously rolls his eyes.  _ Dating.  _ He hates the idea of it right now and would rather not hear it, though just as he’s about to stand, the phone starts ringing and he wants to stay. 

“I’ll be fine,” Ten answers to him, shaking his head. 

“Are you sure?”

Taeyong hums. “Jaemin has a point. You know what happened when Mark even spoke to someone outside of the company who wasn’t  _ approved _ .”

“When you say it like that it sounds weird,” Jaemin says. He pulls a face at Taeyong but is focused on the conversation. “Seriously Ten, you’re going to be murdered and then what will we do for Black on Black? Replace you with Lucas?”

Ten rolls his eyes, shifting away from the TV and Jaemin. “I’m sure he’d enjoy it.”

“So you’d give up NCT for your relationship then?”

The question, though directed at Ten, hits Doyoung harder than it should. He feels it like they’re asking him and he can’t help but think that… Yes. He would. As horrible as it sounds he would pick you over any of NCT because something was  _ missing _ .

His lacuna couldn’t be filled with NCT, or anything at SM Entertainment. They were the ones who caused it.

“That isn’t what I’m saying here. I’m not giving up anything for anyone,” Ten states. He’s frustrated, much like when people started asking Doyoung questions. He knows the situation all too well.

“Are we even going to meet them?” Johnny asks, piping up from behind the couch. He’s biting into an apple, one which Doyoung stares at for too long before getting the strangest of looks from Johnny. “I hear you talk about them all the time and we’ve never even seen a picture.”

Ten nods enthusiastically. Trust Johnny to brighten the mood here. “Hold on, I’ll get one.”

Doyoung wants to stick around to see some pictures - he hopes he can immerse himself in another love life before he has to think of his  _ own  _ \- but Jeno calls from the hallway to tell him someone is on the phone for him. He gets ahead of himself and runs to answer it.

Cold callers are the worst.

+

Doyoung is stood behind Ten in the dance practice room, eyes on him so he can finish this routine and leave for the day. He’s not entirely sure what he’ll do at home, but laying alone in bed is better than having a billion questions from people who really don’t care about him.

The only person who he cared about now didn’t even know where he was.

He recalls not telling you about the company. He did so to avoid having to break up with you but that didn’t exactly work in his favour. He never brought you to SM Head Office or to practice and he didn’t even tell you what the rest of his members’ names were.

He hopes that somehow you never saw anything on TV about NCT and don’t know who he is. Unlikely, but he hopes.

“Are you okay?” Ten asks. Doyoung meets his stare through the mirror with blank eyes and raises his eyebrows. “I said are you okay.”

Doyoung sighs but nods, looking down to his feet in the hopes on of his shoelaces are untied. No luck ever goes his way. “I’m fine. Why?”

“You’ve looked distracted all day. I bet you can’t even tell me what the first move is for the chorus.”

“I can,” Doyoung says. He’s a little hurt that Ten doesn’t trust his multitasking skills. “And I’m fine. Yeah I’m distracted but aren’t you? Don’t you have other things to worry about?”

Ten frowns, but ultimately shakes his head. “Not really. Not at all.”

“Not even that… you know, girl you were talking about before?” 

Ten stops what he’s doing completely, turning around to Doyoung. Though his expression is soft, Doyoung doesn’t believe that Ten is content. His body language proves otherwise. “That’s not exactly an easy question to answer.”

“But I’m right?”

Doyoung recalls when he was first in training and he knew he had you to see at the end of the day. It was frustrating for him that all day he had to ignore you, act as if you didn’t exist when he could have been with you instead. 

He had the entire day to think about what it was going to be like when he finished at SM, went home and asked you to come over. He’d be able to lay his head in your lap and feel your fingers run through his hair and finally be able to shut his eyes and be free from every emotion he ever had.

“Do you think what Taeyong said is true? That I’m giving up my career for her?” Ten asks.

Doyoung is weary of what he’s saying, but he shakes his head anyway. “You can’t help who you fall in love with. But, you do have to make sacrifices of some kind. You can’t have the career you want, and the girl you want, without making some kind of compromise with one.”

+

Doyoung is walking past when the phone rings today. He would have left it to keep ringing if it wasn’t for the recurring thought at the back of his mind that maybe,  _ maybe  _ you’d remembered to call the number he gave you whenever you needed him. If you were scared, if you were hurt, if you just needed to talk.

He didn’t want to not answer the phone if you needed him. He’d never forgive himself.

So he answers the phone without a second thought, not checking the number that’s calling in case of premature disappointment. “Hello?”

He’s met with silence at the other end. He’s not sure if Taeil is right - that person was a fan and is not having a breakdown that Doyoung actually answered the phone. It could just be another cold call but he’s still hopeful. 

“Hello?” Doyoung repeats, sour tone becoming more prominent. Jeno waves to him as he walks past and Doyoung tries a smile which doesn’t exactly pay off. “Are you going to answer?”

Doyoung hears the sound of a sigh on the other end, his brows knitting together. He misses his phone calls to you in the dead of night when he should have been sleeping. He even misses when you’d fall asleep on the phone and he’d listen to your soft breathing for a while before falling asleep himself. 

He wouldn’t hang up on you, not when he could only speak to you for a limited time anyway. He treasured every moment.

“Doyoung?” the voice at the end of the line says softly. It catches him off guard as he tries to read Taeil’s writing telling the rest of the dorm to put the phone back on the line in case the manager called. His eyes are wide and lips pulled together. 

Because he’s waited for so long for you to call, and now you have he isn’t sure what he’s meant to say. His mouth is dry and his mind is blank. What does he say to you? Tell you he misses you? That’s he’s sorry he broke up with you because the company told him to? That he was trying to make time for you but he’s bad with time management?

If you really knew Kim Doyoung, you’d know that only one of those wasn’t a lie.

Doyoung stutters over his words as his heart practically thumps out of his chest. “I… Speaking. Hi.”

There’s silence again. Doyoung wants you to speak so badly, just so he can hear your voice. He remembers all over again why he fell in love with it. He remembers when he was so much younger and he heard your voice from across the room and wanted to speak to you. He remembers when you said  _ I love you  _ to him for the first time too. 

But he won’t get he wants because karma  _ is  _ a bitch. He knows exactly what’s going to happen to him, though he gets to hear your voice one more time. “I’m sorry, I think I have the wrong number.”

+

“You look so miserable,” Haechan says, laying down on Doyoung’s bed beside him. The elder looks down to Haechan with a frown that disappears when he sees Haechan’s own frown. “I feel it all the way from the kitchen. Kun burnt the food by accident and now we have no dinner.”

Doyoung rolls his eyes at the thought. “So they sent you in here to make sure I didn’t already know and try to take over?”

“No. Taeil’s worried that you’re super depressed in here and wanted me to make sure you were okay. Well, we took a vote about who should do it and everyone voted me. I voted for Sicheng but apparently he’s not the right person to cheer you up. So, yeah.”

“I feel so much better already,” Doyoung answers sarcastically, locking his phone and placing it beside him. It was easier to be alone right now so he didn’t hurt anyone else. “Tell Taeil that I’m fine. Just tired.”

Haechan shakes his head. “Tired? Hyung, you always say that. Which means you’re not sleeping. Which means you’ve got something on your mind. So tell me, give me some drama to deal with so I don’t have to listen to Jeno and Jaemin go on about trainees they like.”

Doyoung doesn’t answer. He considers it but stays silent when the memory of the night he told you everything goes back into his mind. The way you looked at him, the way you cried and how you pushed him away from you when you were crying.

“I know I’m younger than you but it’s seriously okay. Whatever it is, I’ll try to help you out as much as I can. I don’t know how useful my help will be but… it’s something, right?”

“It’s something from my past coming to bite me in the ass,” Doyoung says. At the time, his expression is meant figuratively but it’s more literal than he can ever imagine. He’ll find out. “Just an ex-girlfriend. Relationship problems. Taeil’s already knows.”

Haechan hums, more interested as he props himself up. “You were dating someone, hyung?”

“When I was a trainee, yes.”

“And how did you break up?”

Doyoung hasn’t told Taeil that before. He doesn’t think he’s told anyone. For him, it’s embarrassing to say to someone three different reasons for breaking up with them and not mean any of them.

+

Doyoung skips practice again, this time because he has actually hurt his leg. He’s been overworking himself in the hopes he can forget everything and now he’s on crutches and probably will stay that way for a week or two. 

So now he’s sitting in the coffee shop he always sees you in, staring at the entrance in the hope you’ll come through and notice him sitting alone. It’s a long shot, but he’s hopeful. He knows your schedule never changes and he knows you’ll come in at some point.

Just over an hour after he arrives he sees you outside. You’re alone this time, hair loose and clothes pristine. He smiles to himself as he looks down to the table, reminded of your first date together in here. He thinks about that a lot. 

He’s staring enough for you to  _ have  _ to notice him, and you do. You’ve just ordered when you catch his eyes, emotionless look turning into one of sorrow after a few seconds. You don’t even smile, you just stare. You look to Doyoung like he’s crazy for even trying to communicate with you but eventually you turn away and Doyoung knows he has no hope.

Not until you pick up your coffee and make your way to his table. You ask if anyone is sitting with him and he says no, so you take your seat opposite to him and it’s silent for a few moments. 

Doyoung knows he should be making things up to you, and not the other way around. That doesn’t mean he’s not too nervous to speak though. He really doesn’t know what to do or say or anything.

“I heard your new song,” you say softly. “It’s good. Your voice suits it.”

Doyoung nods as he takes a sip of his coffee. He doesn’t want to sound like an old man with his dry throat. “Thanks, we had fun making it. You know I prefer slow songs but… yeah.”

“Slow songs?” you repeat. You look to him with a slight frown. “It is a slow song?”

“You’re not talking about Touch Me?” Doyoung asks. 

He feels like an idiot when you shake your head. It’s not his fault but you two used to know what you were both thinking at any time. “Tende. With Taeil and Jaehyun. My friend is a big fan of you guys and was so in love with Jaehyun that she wanted to show me it.”

Of all the songs you could have heard, he’s glad you heard  _ that _ . He remembers when they were recording it and he kept thinking of you.  _ It’s strange, even after a long time my heart keeps repeating that day. I’m waking up from this dream that’s like reality. Swallowing up another day that’s like a nightmare. But which is real? In my world without you the only thing I have is to dream of you. _

He endlessly dreamed of you saying, let’s start again. 

“You all have really nice voices,” you tell him.

Doyoung should apologise for not replying, but can’t get the words out. He just moves on. “How is university?”

“Still a lot of work but, I’m on top of it,” you answer, “it hasn’t changed at all since the last time you asked. Apart from getting harder, anyway.”

“But you’ll do well. You always do well,” Doyoung states. He knows you’ll pass with flying colours because when you’re dedicated to something, you give it your all. Unlike  _ him _ .

Doyoung has wanted to speak to you for so long and now that you’re here, he’s not sure what he’s supposed to say or do. He can tell you he loves you, he can tell you he misses you and he can tell you he wants you back but truthfully he doesn’t believe you’ll accept any of it.

“You’re okay though, aren’t you?” you ask Doyoung. Your concern is more than he expected. “You made the right choice, staying with SM, didn’t you?”

Doyoung wants to say no, but he can’t.

+

“Where’s Ten?” Johnny asks, poking his head around various doors to find his friend. “I need to talk to him and he’s actually disappeared off the face of this earth.”

Yuta kisses his teeth. “You’re kidding. He’s in his room.”

“Is he really?”

“I wouldn’t have said it otherwise,” Yuta states. He grabs Johnny’s arm before he can run to find Ten and holds him in place. “Don’t go in there. He’s talking to his girlfriend about something important.”

Johnny raises a brow, looking from Yuta to Doyoung, to Jisung and back to Yuta. “Important? Don’t leave me I’m such suspense. What about?”

Doyoung would answer if he knew. He only heard Taeyong tell Yuta to make sure Ten was left alone for a while and Jisung offered to keep Yuta company for a while. Doyoung ended up here because he had nothing better to do and Yuta was pestering him with snapchats to join them.

“It’s about  _ them.  _ You know, SM wanting them to break up and all.”

“Really?” Johnny sits down beside Jisung and cocks his head to the side. “They’re gonna make them break up?”

Yuta hums. Doyoung is watching the ground as he listens. “Ten is trying to work something out. He doesn’t want to and he’s going to ask management to compromise in some way. I don’t know a lot about it but he’s trying. Just so he has some support from SM then he can work on sorting out when he can see her and time management. You know.”

“Yeah. I know.” Johnny nods, looking over to Ten’s door with a slight smile. No one in the room knows about Doyoung’s past but their conversation would have been very different if they did. “He must love her a lot then.”

Doyoung really couldn’t agree more. 

+

He created the lacuna that surrounds him each day. The one in his heart, in his soul and in his life. Everything that’s happened, has happened because of him. Because he told you  _ three _ things. 

He won’t have time for you when he’s famous. 

He has no support from SM and they wanted him to break up with you. 

That he  _ couldn’t  _ love you no matter how hard he tried to. 

He would change it all if he could, but he has to live with it. You won’t ask him to start again or tell him your forgive him and he’s accepted it. You’ve found someone else who can make the decisions he was never brave enough to make. 

So he experiences a lacuna on a daily basis.

He doesn’t expect it to change. He doesn’t expect you to take him back or forgive him. He just wants you to get someone who could be what he never was.


End file.
